Right away, my breasts grew big and sensitive, like I was having puberty as an adult. I got bloodwork done, and when I was cleared as healthy, I started taking hormone shots every two weeks. When I was 20, I went to a doctor with a friend to start exploring the possibility of taking hormones. When I imagined myself as a woman, my heart space blew open. I imagined my body on a deserted island, where no one could judge me, as both a man and as a woman. I couldn’t stop thinking about it and would stay up at night, tossing and turning. It was the first time everything made sense. I told him my life story, and then he told me, “Sweetie you’re trans. Everything he was saying to me was hitting home. At first I was like, “Who the hell is this person?” but I kept talking to him.
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I was out at a cheap bar in West Hollywood with friends, celebrating my first apartment in L.A., when a man came over to me and said he felt my vibe and told me he was a psychic. That’s when I started to express my feminine side even more. We broke up when I moved to Los Angeles at age 21 to continue pursuing my broadcasting dreams. The distance this created eventually ruined our relationship. So from then on, I’d only wear makeup when he wasn’t around, and I started hanging out with friends who embraced my feminine side more than him. We had a conversation, and he told me I looked better without it. One time, I came home wearing bronzer and mascara, and he asked what I was doing. We explored a lot, and I discovered I like being on top.īut I also felt a lot of shame, because I wanted to express my feminine energy-to wear makeup, shave my legs-and he didn’t like it. We were together for two years, and I lost my virginity to him when we had anal sex for the first time. (I dreamed of being a reporter, and someday having my own talk show, like Oprah.) I fell in love with a guy there who was gay, and we identified as a gay couple. I had my first real relationship at 18, after I moved to Chicago to attend broadcasting academy. To have this boy hold me, to have a physical connection with someone, made me feel so normal. My first hookup was junior year of high school, with a boy from a different town who played football.